阿嬷

Just received an email from my aunt a while back. It was an email about my grandparents, in particular, my grandmother whom we affectionately call Ah Ma. Some of you might know, my Ah Ma's suffering from Dementia. It's been sometime since she was diagnosed with it and she has since lost weight drastically (or perhaps, it was gradual but since i (regretfully) only visit my grandparents during family gatherings, the change in her appearance seems drastic to me).

Like what my aunt mentioned in the email, Ah Ma used to be a strong and able woman. I've heard about how my grandfather (Ah Gong) used to be disloyal towards her in the past. I was very young then, but i still remember this particular scene where my grandparents fought and Ah Gong lifted his arm up, wanting to hit Ah Ma. Fortunately, my mum managed to stop him in time. Nothing serious happened in the end but this scene has been etched in my mind even after almost 20 years. I still remember standing outside the kitchen watching, horrified.

Despite not having a loving husband, Ah Ma kept the house in order. We used to live in a semi-d at Bukit Timah, with other cousins and their families (who came and went). Almost everybody (all the cousins, aunts and uncles), even those not living with us, would come over for dinner EVERYDAY. Ah Ma would then singlehandedly whip up dishes for the whole family! Other than cooking us meals, she also took care of the kids when our parents were at work - bathing and feeding my younger cousins and making sure they took their afternoon naps while keeping a watchful eye over the older ones who were always up to mischief. In her free time, she would tend to the pots of plants in the backyard, something she still does these days.

Ah Ma was always the first one to wake up in the morning to make coffee and the last one to go to bed, making sure all electrical appliances have been switched off and keeping the living room tidy before she sleeps. I used to snuggle up to Ah Ma while watching tv together with her in the living room. It was comfy even though i smelled a mixture of perspiration + grease from the cooking. Haha my mum used to be amazed with my strong tolerance towards the "scent". She will always scream at me to bathe if i havent showered by 10am, though it seems this teaching isnt incorporated into my life since i only bathe at 10pm these days. Haha.

When i was 11, we moved out of the place, just like my cousins and their families. I remember having a mixture of feelings. I didnt understand why we had to move out but at the same time, i was excited to have my own room. I gradually understood, as i grew older, that it wasnt that easy for everyone to live together. As the saying goes, “家家有本难念的经”- as a family, we do care for each other, but within every immediate family and every individual, there's bound to be self-centredness. Everyone is self-interested. Even the kindest and nicest person on Earth, is self-interested. We are just human, nobody's perfect..

Soon after, my aunt got a place at a condo for my grandparents and the semi-d was sold.

I miss the place so much, the place i learnt to crawl, walk, run and even rollerblade! I remember going back to the place with my parents just to see how it was like after the new owners moved in. The once lively home with 3 dogs, rabbits, hamsters, star tortoises, chickens, birds, koi fishes, pots of flowers, a long wall of orchids and a huge, noisy family, became a dull-looking, quiet house. The new owners didnt remove our swing though, the swing my cousins and i used to have so much fun with...

After my grandparents moved into the condo, family gatherings only happened on occasions like Mothers' Day, Fathers' Day, Christmas Day, Chinese New Year etc, which basically also meant that i meet my grandparents on these occasions only. I didnt visit them regularly, tagging along with my parents only, at times. But i can almost see how my Ah Gong's face light up everytime i appear. :*) Unfortunately, that smile didnt motivate me to visit them regularly.

Ah Ma's condition has deterioriated ever since. In the beginning she forgot the things she said before and kept repeating her questions. Gradually she began to fumble with daily routines like going to the washroom. Now she's very reliant on Ah Gong and has to keep Ah Gong in sight no matter where she goes. I've heard about my aunts losing their temper at Ah Ma because she asks the same question over and over again. All i can say is that, i might also get agitated if i were to be by her side 24/7, answering the same questions over and over again. I wont know how difficult and frustrating it might be because i only visit them once in a blue moon. And honestly speaking, i no longer find it comfortable sitting beside Ah Ma, talking to her, like how i used to when i went home from Primary School. There is a certain awkwardness. I dont really know what to talk about, what to ask and what to update her on.

Ah Gong, on the other hand, has been a good husband to Ah Ma ever since the diagnosis. He has been more tolerant than any of us, even though he flares up at times. (Honestly speaking, who wont?) He complains to us about how difficult it is to bring her out but he still brings her out often. He loves making new friends, going out and travelling. And for someone who's always on the go to look after a patient with Dementia, it's really not easy. In the email my aunt wrote to all of us, she mentioned that she hopes that all of us can forgive him, even though he wasnt a good husband or father in the past. For the third generation me, i dont really feel any hatred or disregard towards him. To me, Ah Gong is someone who used to shower us with gifts when we were young, fetch us home from school and someone who's proud of us when we do well. I will never know some things that happened between him and our second generation and will never understand. But i do hope that there'd be forgiveness, even though it's never easy.

I really felt the pinch when i read the last part of the email. I've never thought of how Ah Ma must be feeling everyday. For such a strong woman to fumble with daily routines, she must be feeling so so helpless. She must be wondering everytime someone flares up at her, what mistake she made, why she's being scolded, not knowing that she'd just asked a senseless question multiple times, not knowing that she asked it a few seconds ago. Just what wrong did she do to make us flare up at her? Being diagnosed with dementia is not within her control. Isnt it easier for us, her children and grandchildren, who has more control over ourselves, to control our temper instead of expecting her to control her actions? For someone who has done so much for the family, it must be worth it isnt it..

I really hope to visit my grandparents more often from now on. I dont wish to regret, if anything should happen. It's really sad that life is as such.